3 months; 13 weeks; 99 days.
I spent half that time crying myself to sleep, feeling like I was never good enough, hurting so bad that it felt like my heart was being ripped apart, stuck back together and then ripped apart again and you still don’t understand what you did wrong.
I stuck by you, almost as if you were everything to me, through your tough times, I was always there to try support you to the best of my abilities and how did you repay me?
“ Oh baby, congratulations, but you can still try harder, that’s not your best ”
“ Wow, she’s so beautiful, look at her blahblah and her blahblah. We can exercise together, so you can look more like her ”
“ Why are you acting like this? Why do you have to be so sensitive? ”
“ Wow, she’s so beautiful, look at her blahblah and her blahblah. We can exercise together, so you can look more like her ”
“ Why are you acting like this? Why do you have to be so sensitive? ”
Everything that came out of your mouth was so contradictory. You never really appreciated me. You just would bad mouth me, to my face and think that everything would be better if you told me you loved me. Love isn’t always the cure for everything. At times, love may just be the poison used to kill something.
“ With all your problems, even though I love you, I would have broken up with you ages ago, but I don’t want to search for another relationship ”
“ I hate how I have to lie to my parents because of you, but don’t worry I love you ”
“ Do you know how much I hate driving here with this traffic? Then when I get here, I have to wait for you to get ready too. Don’t worry I’m not mad at you, I love you ”
“ I hate how I have to lie to my parents because of you, but don’t worry I love you ”
“ Do you know how much I hate driving here with this traffic? Then when I get here, I have to wait for you to get ready too. Don’t worry I’m not mad at you, I love you ”
To be honest, thinking back, I feel myself extremely stupid, but there were times where I was happy right?
Most of the time, we saw each other every fortnight, which meant 13 days of sadness that led to one day of happiness but to be honest, it wasn’t that great. I always thought that in the presence of each other, everything would be ok, and at first that was true, but the truth slowly deteriorated. Seeing you started to feel more like a chore and I hate chores.
Day 96~
I politely asked you for some time, time that I could have for myself, to think about the things that I needed.
I politely asked you for some time, time that I could have for myself, to think about the things that I needed.
Day 97~
Out of the whole 99 days with you, this day was the best.
Out of the whole 99 days with you, this day was the best.
Why? Because you weren’t part of it.
I spent the day with someone else who is very dear to me, just hanging out at the park, walking about the area and just.. smiling. It was the first time, in a long that, that anyone had made my cheeks hurt from just smiling.
I spent the day with someone else who is very dear to me, just hanging out at the park, walking about the area and just.. smiling. It was the first time, in a long that, that anyone had made my cheeks hurt from just smiling.
Afterwards I spent time with the family, going out for dinner and when I got home I was still happy. Then everything changed when I got into bed. I felt weird, abnormal, and kind of retarded.
Why? Because it was the first time, in a long that, that I hadn’t gone to sleep crying or in pain.
Do you even know what that feels like? To feel retarded because you’re not crying yourself to sleep? Obviously not.
Do you even know what that feels like? To feel retarded because you’re not crying yourself to sleep? Obviously not.
I know that it’s probably rude for me to say this but I just wanted you to disappear. I wanted to erase the reason for my pain, but you just keep lingering around, like the fly upon Little Peter Rabbit’s nose. I know it’s also rude for me to refer to you as a fly, but to be honest, you’re much worse than that, but the things I want to call you, would be inappropriate things to be upon Little Peter Rabbit’s nose.
Your lingering is causing me pain, and you can’t even see it and that just bothers me too. You’re trying so hard to make things better, but you’re just digging yourself a deeper hole, and this time, I won’t be around to help you out.
Why? Because I’m moving onto better things. I’m moving on with things that are better for me, not for you and not for anyone else. I’ve always been the type of person to put everyone before myself, but this time, I feel like it wouldn’t be selfish of me to put myself first for once.
This whole situation isn’t planning out the way I thought it would, but at the end of the day, I’m grateful in a way. I’ve gotten closer with people that I drifted from. I’ve gotten closer to people I didn’t think I could ever get close with and I’ve learnt the people who I should keep my distance from.
Shit happens, but there's always a positive side. I've acknowledged the positive side to this situation, so I can finally say that I'm happy and I'm not lying.
